[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I occasionally drink every single night.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?