I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
the rocks need my help
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.