HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol