Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Art by Pastelkatto
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?