me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.