“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
channeling her this year
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.