Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Bring back the McRib
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.