“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
As the Lord intended
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far