“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg