“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.