Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Netflix and you sit over there.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.