*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came