I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Rooting for the overdog