me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.