A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
(by @ZachWeiner )