me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.