No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”