I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Yup….perfect score!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.