I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
You Might Also Like
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
What my back needs
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?