I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.