Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*