business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Good morning!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe