Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
You Might Also Like
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.