When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time