Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
😅😅😅
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.