My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
You Might Also Like
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.