ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
TRAIN’S HERE
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.