My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?