*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
so i’m at the stock market right
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me