[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: It
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we鈥檙e trying to have a baby
ME: ok I鈥檒l step outside
bananaphobia: when you don鈥檛 have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Boss: you鈥檙e fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we鈥檙e bringing our own geese?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I don鈥檛 get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it鈥檚 bedtime.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.