You Might Also Like
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Social distancing in Australia:
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
But is it really??
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“you recording!?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”