My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I think we should hear other voices.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead