Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
sir, my pâté if you please
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved