Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m calling the cops.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?