I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding