My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.