[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.