Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys