Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
only 11 steps left
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter