Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’