When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Hmm, not sure about this change
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I didn’t come here to be called names
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.