Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*