What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien