When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Mornin
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook