I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I have no passwords left in me
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.