I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Solving a traffic jam
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.