Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first