me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You Might Also Like
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Solving a traffic jam
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them