Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
OKAY DAD
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car