Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Pringles